Week 7 Predictions

After a 2 week hiatus I'm finally back. Although in an abbreviated version b/c I actually need to get some sleep for a change.

My apologies, this whole having to get up and go to work thing has really cramped my college football analysis, but on the plus side, I'm renting an RV with some friends and going to the PSU v. Nebraska game!!  And I'll be in Happy Valley for Purdue this weekend.

Is there a team that win any uglier than Penn State?  Seriously, 13-3, 14-10, 16-10... all wins, but man, nasty to watch if you like offense.  I'm telling you, if we could make a team with Michigan's offense and Penn State's D, we'd have a national title contender.  

The conference musical chairs is in full swing!  This time, TCU abandoned the Big Least before setting foot in the eastern time zone.  The SEC is sitting at an unlucky 13, Mizzou is flip flopping on where they will play, the Big XII is set to play with 10 after adding TCU, the Big East wants to add.... wait for it... the military academies!!!  Yes!  Next the Big East will Notre Dame and a time machine and go back to the 1940's when all of those schools were some of the top programs in the country (except Air Force, their first season was 1955.)

Anyway... with my Godfather opus already written, I see no reason to try to top that without some divine intervention... and that can come from Yahweh, Ganesh, Jesus, Vishnu, Mohammed, Buddha, heck, Overlord Zenu (Scientology is clearly a religion, not a cult.  No, definitely not a cult.  All legit.  Praise Cruise)... I'll take whatever I can get. 

On to week 7...

#1 LSU @ Tennessee - The Volunteers are still recovering from forcing out Phil Fulmer.  Amazing how many programs seem to think the grass will always be greener on the other side.  Not to mention the damage done by Kiffin's one season in Knoxville.  Is there a more over rated coach in all of football than Lane?  Meanwhile, the Mad Hatter continues to chew grass roll along.  This one gets ugly fast... 37 - 17 Tigers.

#2 'Bama @ Ole Miss - Houston Nutt is on the hot seat... and I admittedly had no idea there was such a thing as a "hot seat" for an Ole Miss coach until I watched the Blind Side.  "You know, the movie with the black Tight End." "Offensive Line."  "Sorry, African American." (any Modern Family fans on this chain?)  Let me put it this way.  Nutt Sucks!!  If that is not the BEST chant to fire a coach ever then I don't know what can top it.  Saban just keeps rolling along... 45 - 3 Tide.

#3 Sooners @ Rock Chalk Jayhawk - Kansas gave up 70... 70!!  to the Fightin' T. Boones.  Meanwhile, the Sooners made some Rocky Mtn Oysters out of Bevo's testicles last week.  How does Texas continually get top 5 recruiting classes and yet still struggle?  They may be one of the most underachieving programs.  They are nowhere near Notre Dame territory, but still.  At least we are closer to bball season in Lawrence... 56 - 7 Sooners.

Hoosiers @ #4 Badgers - Is it possible for one team to dominate so thoroughly that the dominance is felt days before the game starts? It's only Tuesday, and yet, this game is already a blowout.  The Badgers could probably start their second team and still win this... maybe the Badger crowd can get jiggy with it instead of jumping around? ... I'm calling this one... Badgers allot - Hoosiers nothing. 

#5 Boise @ Colorado State - Boise plays another patsy.  Yawn.  Boise 45 - 17.  

#6 Fightin' T. Boones @ #22 Longhorns - Will the 'Horns get their balls back this week?  Okie State is always thisclose to breaking through to the BCS but always F's something up, like a game like this.  Horns 34 - Cowboys 31.

#7 Stanford @ Wazzu - Wazzu is playing better this year, which is like saying the guy that was 350lbs really looks good at 325lbs.  Meanwhile, Andrew Luck continues his Heisman Campaign.  And the Colts continue to tank their season to get him.  Cardinal 49 - 21.

#8 Clemson @ Terrapins - The 'Pins (ya, I'm starting that right now, 'Pins) unveil yet another ugly uniform this week, or are they just wearing the same uniforms every week and they just somehow keep getting uglier?  Either way, it's about time Clemson to shit the bed.  Week 7 and they haven't lost a game they were favored in!?  WTF Clemson?  You're making me look like I don't know you underachieve every year.  I know, as soon as I buy in to the Tigers, they'll lose, so here it is!!  Tigers 45 - 'Pins 7!!  C'mon Tigers, don't let me down, you know you wanna blow this one! 

#18 Sun Devils @ #9 Ducks - and BOOM goes the dynamite!  The Ducks go off on the Devils.... 55 - 27!

#11 Michigan @ #23 Sparty - Dantonio is getting a contract extension making him a Spartan for life!  And somehow, that was reported as a good thing.  Ugh, if you were Dantonio, would you not tank the season so you get fired?  Or, win out and hope another team comes calling?  Either way, can you imagine being stuck in East Lansing for the rest of your life?  Dear Overlord Zenu, what did I do to deserve such a harsh punishment?  On the flip side, Michigan AND the Lions are undefeated!!!  When was the last time that happened this late in a season?  Seriously, I'm asking, I don't have the patience to go do that research.  Wolverines 45 - Sparty 35. 

#12 Yellowjackets @ Cavaliers - I now know TWO Virginia fans!  Another attorney at my job went to UVA undergrad.  Strange that I haven't met more UVA alumni given it's proximity to Philly.  Perhaps they are all just waiting and planning for the south to rise again, because let's face it, if the south is going to rise again, there's no way in hell any alum from Florida State, Miami, or 'Bama are going to plan it successfully.  The Jackets will march through the Cavaliers like Sherman through Georgia (still stings doesn't it Southerners!)  Jackets 27 - UVA 20

#15 Gamecocks @ Miss State - Spurrier FINALLY dismissed Stephen Garcia from the team!!!  It only took 12 chances... or more.  I'm not even sure.  This time he apparently couldn't pass a weed & alcohol test.  So... a college kid smoked weed & drank.... and couldn't pass a test... shocking.  This kid would rather party than play QB, and you know what, I respect that.  It takes some ambition to want to party that hard you give up starting at QB in the SEC.  He should've gone to Miami, that kind of partying is not only encouraged, it's fully funded by boosters!  Meanwhile, USC East is also being investigated for their recruitment of Marcus Lattimore.  Allegedly a sum of money was donated to a church of his choosing by associates of the program around the same time he signed his LOI.  Ok, this is where Scientology is really missing out on a cash flow.  They need to start recruiting people into their..."religion".. in all SEC states immediately, and then solicit some "donations" when their "members" sign with SEC schools.  You can literally make millions doing this.  The SEC will pay.  Gamecocks 33 - Miss State 24

Buckeyes @ #16 Fightin' Zooks - Seriously?  The Illini are ranked in the top 20 and the Buckeyes are outside the top 25?  Amazing what a good scandal can do to college football in less than a year. Illinois may be the most under the radar team in the country this year.  Are they any good?  I have no idea b/c like everyone outside of Champagne, I've never watched their games.  I even fast forward through their highlights.  I still say there's some fight in the Buckeyes... 20 - 17  bad guys, er, Buckeyes.

#17 K State @ Tx Tech - Anyone read about Tx Tech fans vandalizing some A&M buses during the game in Lubbock last week?  Apparently the Tech fans are REALLY upset A&M is going to the SEC without them.  I bet it though, you're in Texas, all you have is oil, a border war, Tex Mex, the Cowboys, and college football.  And on the list of college football priorities, Tech is down there somewhere between SMU & Friday Night Lights.  I'd be pissed too.  Somehow, K State is winning football games again.  K State seems to either be one of the worst programs in the country, or a top 25 program.  There is no in between for them.  The Wildcats still can't win on the road though...45 - 39 Tech.

#19 Va Tech @ Wake Forest - The Deacons spanked the Seminoles last week!  Another example of the grass not being any greener on the other side.  What has Jimbo done that Bowden couldn't do?  This is what worries me about PSU.  Everyone thinks our next coach is going to awaken some type of sleeping giant in Happy Valley, but what if it's not JoePa at all, it's just the landscape of college football now?  God help us if we end up another Notre Dame forever chasing the glory days that passed us by long ago.  And oh yeah, Tech tried to blow the game against the Canes last week but couldn't.  Two game winning drives in under 2 minutes in the same game?  Makes me long for a boring 13-3 game with a lights out D.  This week will be better for Tech 34 - 20.

#20 Baylor @ #21 A&M - Anyone know what Robert Griffin I & II are doing?  I feel like if I ever have a son, I'll just add III to his name so he seems important.  Fortunately for RB3 (I'm starting that now too, get on board, RB3!!!), he's got game.  Unfortunately for A&M, they won't stop his game.  41 - 31 Bears.

Florida @ #24 Auburn - Wow how the mighty have fallen.  The Gators outside the top 25 and the Tigers hanging on be a few votes.  The loser of this game is done in the SEC this year.  The winner still has a shot.  This is basically a playoff game between two average teams.  The Gators have not looked good the past few weeks and the Tigers are at home... 27 - 24 Auburn.

Big Ten Action:

Purdue @ Penn State - I'm going to tailgate at this game, then go in the stadium to take a nap for a few hours, then tailgate some more.  I'm not even worried about the crowd waking me up, b/c with PSU's offense, they will be asleep as well.  17 - 6 Penn State.  

Northwestern @ Iowa - Iowa is bad.  Northwestern is ok.  This is going to be a shootout.  Last team with the ball wins.  45 - 42 Northwestern.

Upset of the Week:

Navy @ Rutgers - just b/c I can't stand Rutgers and I can't see Pitt losing to a bad Utah team, although I'm still hoping it happens.  23 - 20 Midshipmen. 

Week 4 Predictions

Week 4, FOUR!, is already upon us.  Why does football season have to go so fast? 

Conference realignment is in full swing. The Big East is pulling a Houdini, the Big XII is trying to hang on for dear life like Joe Paterno, and the Big Ten is standing pat, never letting anyone outside the family know what they're thinking, waiting for things to reveal themselves like Vito Corleone.  In fact, if I had to break down the conferences in terms of The Godfather, it'd go like this:

Big Ten = Michael Corleone.  A league with great respect from the old school that knows how things are done.  The Big Ten also likes money, lots of it, and his it's own family, er, network.

ACC = Sonny Corleone - the ACC is on fire, already adding two teams in a matter of days, ready to add UConn and possibly Rutgers, jumping at any team that makes them an offer they can't refuse.  And like Sonny, they will killed when one of their own sells them out for the SEC... or they'll get gunned down on the NJ Turnpike on their way to Rutgers.  

Big XII = Tom Hagen.  A valuable asset to the family, but when the next generation takes over, they are out.  Sorry Big XII, you're out.  That's just he way it is. 

Pac 12 = Jack Woltz.  A league in their position cannot be made to look RIDICULOUS!!  (and then they wake up with the horse head of Colorado in their conference)

Big East = Fredo Corleone, like Fredo, they are weak and stupid.  Nobody will touch them until all the original members of the Big East are gone, at which point they'll be taken on a fishing trip and... well... WVU fans can fondly remember when they had an auto bid to the BCS.  Or they can be Luca Brasi, either one is appropriate.  

SEC = Sollozzo.  We think too much of them, they don't have that kind of power (as they attempt to assassinate the Big XII, ACC, and/or Big East.)  They also have very powerful police, er ESPN, on their payroll to protect them. 

Texas = Barzini.  Eventually we find out it was Texas (that caused all this realignment) all along.

Oklahoma = Sal Tessio.  After all these years, they are the one's that go against the Big XII family.  

Notre Dame = Kay Adams-Corleone.  Michael (the Big Ten) once loved her, but then she became a jealous, psychotic bitch that asked about his business one too many times and was subsequently frozen out of all the families.  Sure, she can visit with the kids, but no one wants her around and nobody will speak to her.  

Now... the Klembecki Re-Alginment Plan! (aka KRAP).  My KRAP is modeled after the European soccer alignment.  We have 4 superconferences of 14-16 teams.  The worst teams in those conferences are relegated to the WAC, MAC, Sun Belt, or Mountain West every year, while the best schools in those conferences are bumped up to the auto bid conferences.  How great would this be?  Not only are teams at the top fighting for championships, but teams at the bottom are fighting for money and prestige!  In the meantime, Penn State is mired in mediocrity neither good enough to win their league, nor horrible enough to be relegated.  Well, maybe they do have a shot at relegation.  That is my KRAP. 

On to the Week 4 Predictions.... 

Big Ten Action:

Coyotes @ #6 Badgers - the Badgers having been absolutely crushing everyone they've played.  No reason to think it changes this week.  56 - 7 Badgers.

#9 Nebraska @ Wyoming - the Huskers take their corn to Marlboro Country for a meeting in Laramie.  The Huskers Offense has been on fire, but their D has not.  Look for this one to be a shootout.  50 - 35 Huskers.

Aztecs @ #22 Wolverines - Welcome back to the rankings Wolverines!!!  Hoke's old squad visits his new one.  Seriously, which team has more talent on Defense right now?  And by the way, the Aztecs are undefeated.  Can we just assume every game Michigan plays this year will be a shootout?  The Wolverines come out flat after last week's incredible last second come back,  but send the Aztecs back to SoCal with a loss.... 47 - 37.  

Directional Michigan @ #24 Illinois - the Zooker makes the rankings!  Western Mich will keep this close for a half, because that's what Zook does, plays down to his competition.  29 - 24 Illini. 

Directional Michigan @ Penn State - PSU set offenses back 25 years last week, so JoePa actually that it was a great game and his offense was exactly what he wanted.  If there is an offensive coordinator in all of college football that does less with more talented players than JayPa then please alert me.  We have ZERO passing TD's this season.  ZERO. This game will be close just b/c PSU can't score, and we'll fall behind early and have to come from behind late.  Just like JoePa plans it.  17-14 PSU.

Directional Michigan @ Sparty - Oh Sparty!  Will you never cease to fail to live up to your own hype?  Sparty was just what the Irish ordered last week.  A ranked opponent who was not nearly as good as advertised.  The question is, can Sparty continue to be Sparty, or will they actually win this week?  I say they pull this one out.  35-30.

LA-Monroe @ Iowa - The Hawkeyes STUNNED Mark May last week.  Mark's head was almost going to explode.  He ALMOST had his lead story of PSU losing to Temple and Pitt beating Iowa, but alas, the football gods do not smile on Pitt.  Not now, not in the ACC, not ever.  Good thing Pitt cares about basketball too.  Iowa wins this one easy.  37-17.

Buffaloes @ Buckeyes - Hineygate was in full meltdown mode last week after getting battered by Hurricane Golden!  (So much better than Golden Hurricanes!)  Fickell's seat is getting a little toasty.  Perhaps the motivation for the Buckeyes was in all of their bank accounts?  By the way, when I was in Cape Cod this summer I saw a guy with a Buckeyes tattoo on his calf.  I got a pic of it and put it up on Facebook, and if I didn't have my 3 month old niece with me, and he didn't have his small child with him, I would have asked him if he got the tattoo for free. The Buffs haven't had a good team since Kordell Stewart was throwing hail mary's.  Buckeyes 29 -Buffs 10.

ND State @ Golden Gophers - The Gophers can't possible screw this one up can they?  Minny wins one for the Kill(er)!  28-17.

Hoosiers @ North Texas - Man this game is ugly even on paper.  Hoosiers 34 - N Texas 21. 

Top 25 Action:

Mizzou @ #1 Oklahoma -  The Sooners won a big one last week.  Their D and explosive offense were on display all night.  Mizzou has been flirting with the SEC, much to the dismay of Mr. Trusty.  The Tigers SCORED last week when they 69'd Western Illinois 69-0.  It was not pretty nor anything fit for adolescent college football fans.  In fact, it was offensive.  But, the Tigers did not allow any points either, so it was also Defensive!  (sorry, seriously. Sorry for that one, it was terrible.)  Anyway... The Sooners will not give up 69 this week, nor will they score that many.  After a minor let down int he first half, the Sooners put this one away in the second half 35-24.

#14 Razorbacks @ #2a Crimson Tide - The Razorbacks played the Tide tough last year, but this years Tide team may be even better, especially on the defensive side of the ball.  The Tide have not played a tough game yet (and no, sadly Penn State is no longer a tough game for top teams.  Penn State consistently loses big games, it's been like that for a while now).  This is the Tide's first real test.  Meanwhile, the Razorbacks have been trying to earn street cred by beating up 12 year olds.  They beat Troy (Sun Belt), FCS Mizzou State, and one of the worst programs in FBS New Mexico.  So which team is for real?  Roll Tide  24 - 17. 

#2b LSU @ #16 West Virgina Mountaineers - The Mad Hatter visits West Virginia, aka "The Burning Couch State".  The grass is sure to taste great in Morgantown.  Why has no one fertilized the LSU sideline when they play away games?  How great would that be, knowing the Miles is literally eating shit as he attempts a fake punt flea flicker from his own 10 yard line?  I can't believe no one in the SEC has done this yet.  WVU comes out strong, but like their namesake Fredo, in the end, they get taken out.  LSU 20 - WVU 17.

Tulsa @ #4 Boise State - Boise faces another tough test... ok, just kidding.  The Broncos get on the Smurf Turf to face one of the worst nicknames in college football, the Golden Hurricane.  Ugh.  Sounds like a team R Kelly would root for.  The Broncos take care of business 48 - 17.

#5 Stanford - Bye Week. Andrew Luck chills out, trying to find a good place to put his Heisman Trophy.

#7 Fighting T. Boones @ #8 Aggies - the Battle of the League Jumpers!  The Aggies are already gone, the Cowboys will do whatever T. Boone and the Sooners tell them they're doing. In College Station, the A&M wants to prove they're SEC worthy by leaving the Big XII with a championship.  OK State comes in with a high powered offense behind QB Weedon & WR Blackmon.  The Aggies have only allowed 21 points all season, the Cowboys have not scored less than 37 in any game.  Aggies 30 - Cowboys 28

Sidenote, I am watching the ABC Nightly News, they're doing a story about bullying, and the reporter in studio is Josh Elliot... from Sportscenter.  Is he pulling a Craig Kilborne/Keith Olberman and branching out into non-sports news?  How has that worked for them?  And why can't Hannah Storm do the same.  Seriously, we need more Hannah Storm.

#10 Oregon @ Arizona - Poor Mike Stoops.  He may not even be the best Stoops in the Pac-X if Oklahoma joins and just can't get over the hump in the desert.  The Ducks fan base is not happy unless their team puts up 50 points every game.  Look for a melt down on the Ducks board this week after a closer than expected win...  34 - 27 Ducks.

# 11 Seminoles @ # 21 Clemson - both teams are coming off huge games.  The Tigers took down the Tigers in Death Valley, while FSU fell to the Sooners in Tallahassee.  Clemson is just below Notre Dame in the rankings of teams that perpetually under perform expectations.  The Seminoles have disappointed ever since Bowden started listening to JoePa on how to play offense.  FSU will continue the Clemson tradition of "oohhh... almost".  24 - 13 Noles.

Vandy @ #12 Gamecocks - The UNDEFEATED Commodores bring their text books to Columbia for an SEC battle.  The Ole Ball Coach barely beat Navy last week, while Vandy whooped up on Ole Miss.  This week the tables turn... USC East 34 - Vandy 17.

#13 Va Tech @ Marshall - WE ARE!  (marshall).  Why can't all schools have a dept store chain named after them?  Virginia Polytechnic has no problems in West Virginia 49 - 7.

#15 Gators @ Kentucky - The Wildcats, and SEC team, lost the Battle of the Bluegrass state to, GASP!, Big East member Louisville last week!  Score one for the Big Least.  If this were basketball, that'd be a huge upset. But much like when a tree falls in the woods, nobody cares.  The Gators chomp the Wildcats this week 35 - 14.

Rice (mmm... rice) @ #16 Baylor - Robert Griffith III continues his Heisman campaign, and Baylor threatens to sue if it's not awarded to him.  Has anyone proposed the Lonestar Conference yet?  It could be Texas, Rice, Baylor, UTEP, U of Houston, TX Tech, SMU, and TCU.  They can rename the Longhorn Network the Lonestar Network, and Texas could still be first among equals in such a conference, and it would remind people of the Big 8.  This way everyone in Texas would subscribe to the network, and no one outside of Texas would be subjected to the inflated ego's of the Texas schools.  This is a win-win... and a win for Baylor too  47 - 13.

UTEP @ #18 Bulls - Do you think every time UTEP plays an away game, the players think, "Wow, this place is so nice, I wish I went to school here instead of El Paso. Man, even if we win this game, I still have to go back to El Paso."  And then they get depressed and lose the game?  South Florida 31 - 17.

# 19 Texas - bye week.  The LHN has no programming this week, instead it's showing infomercials for the Flobee.  Call your cable company and DEMAND the LHN!! 

Portland State @ #20 TCU - How pissed are you if you're TCU?  You used to be in the Southwest Conference with the big boys, then spent years trying to get back to respectability, only to be shut out by the BCS.  Then after finally cracking the BCS, you join a BCS Auto-Bid conference, and that conference is now on the brink of dissolving.  The Horned Frogs just can't catch a break.  I suggest they join the Lonestar Conference.  TCU enjoys their scrimmage - 49 - 13.

#23 Trojans @ Sun Devils - ASU lost a close on to the Zooker last week, while the Trojans continue to defy their sanctions, starting 3-0.  How happy are the Trojans that all the heat is now being directed to OSU, Miami, Oregon and Boise?  Lane is now free to break as many rules as he can without the NCAA noticing.  This is my upset pick.  Sun Devils 34 - 30.

Tar Heels @ #25 Yellow Jackets - This isn't your father's ACC!  Is what they'll be saying with the additions of Pitt and 'Cuse next year!  Seriously, can you imagine how pissed the current Big Ten would be if we added Pitt & 'Cuse?  But the ACC is thrilled.  That is why the ACC is Sonny Corleone, they get too emotional, it's just business.  Heels 30 - Jackets 28.  

Games of Note:

Irish @ Pitt - I wish both teams could lose this game, but my hatred of the Irish is superior to my hatred of Pitt.  Although my hatred of Mark May is almost as much as my hatred of Notre Dame.  I can only that both teams play as embarrassingly as PSU played last week. I can't wait to read the meltdown on the Irish boards if they lose this game.  Pitt 28-27. 

Upset of the week:

Temple @ Maryland - The Terrapins are unveiling yet another ugly uniform!  I'll bet kids are begging for a Maryland offer now that they wear different uniforms every game!  I just hope Temple validates PSU this week by beating Maryland.  24 - 21 Owls. 

Week 3 Predictions

Well... at least 'Bama had the decency to be gentle.  And from what I've read, Joe really enjoyed the view from the box and not having to call plays or talk to any coaches or players during the game.  I'll spare you the review, it's obvious PSU was not in the same league as 'Bama.  I will say though that we have a midget playing WR that can't catch.  #20 is about 5'6" 160lbs.  He's FAST, like sub 11 second 100m fast, but can't catch to save his life and can't change direction to avoid anyone.  It'd be hilarious watching him try to play football if not for the PSU coaches insistence on constantly trying to get him the ball even though he's never done a damn thing with it once he has it.  Also, our two headed monster of McBolden will continue at QB for the foreseeable future.  Awesome. 

That Michigan game was SICK!  It was like watching a live action XBox game.  I have no idea how Robinson completes some of those throws.  He literally would just toss it up for grabs and Michigan's WR's must be used to it b/c they came down with the catch more often than not.  The fact that it was the first night game ever at the Big House made it even better. 

On to week 3...

Big Ten:

Directional Michigan @ Michigan - After last week's excitement, Aliens would have to land on the 50 yard line at halftime and Elvis would have to come off the ship and provide the half time entertainment for this game to be anywhere close to last week.  Michigan will have a let down, how could they not, but E Mich is one of the worst teams in college football.  Michigan rolls after a slow start 45 - 10.

Penn State @ Temple - This is a de facto home game for the Nittany Lions.  You'll probably see less red in the stadium this week than you did in Beaver stadium last week.  Given PSU's track record of starting slow on the road, combined with this being a Noon kickoff and coming off a big game loss, this game will be MUCH closer than anyone thinks.  PSU's offense will struggle, especially in the first half, and Temple's O will come out firing and take our D by surprise.  PSU will be down going into the second half, but superior talent should win out in the end.  PSU wins this one in the 4th quarter thanks to a Silas Redd TD run.  27 - 20 PSU.

Pitt @ Iowa - The Hawkeyes are coming off a horrible loss to their in state rivals.  Apparently Iowa sucks against everyone but Penn State.  Pitt, on the other hand, just sucks.  On a side note, apparently if PSU's DC Tom Bradley got Pitt's HC job, he was taking 3 or 4 of PSU's staff with him.  And Joe being the age he is and not being able to actually coach anymore but capably filling the role of "Honorary Head Coach for Life", he would have retired rather than go find new staff he'd have to break in.  The Pitt BoT nixed Bradley to Pitt, therefore, I blame Pitt for JoePa not retiring, and indirectly, Mark May since I'm sure he donates to the school.  I f'ing hate Mark May.  Iowa 26 - Pitt 23

SE Mizzou State @ Purdue - I'm hesitant to predict any wins for the Big Ten going forward, especially for Purdue who lost to Rice.  Seriously, who loses to an asian side dish?  The Boilers QB Robert Marve, the transfer from Miami, may make his debut this week.  He can't be any worse than whoever threw the ball for the Boilers last week, so we'll see.  Can Purdue lose to a 1AA team?  We'll see, but I think they may have a shot in this one.  Boilers 35 - SEMS 14

SC State @ Indiana - The second best college football team in Indiana (next to Ball State) takes on a 1AA team.  Ugh.  I know one of the Big Ten schools will blow it this week, but it's tough picking which one.  I'll take this one I guess.  SC State continues the Big Ten year of Embarrassment beating the Hoosiers 31-29.

Sparty @ The Irish - THIS is the week the Irish finally turn it around, and are BACK BABY!  The Irish are freakin' back!!!  WOO HOO!!  CHEER CHEER FOR OLD NOTRE DAME!  (because the new one blows).  Of course, Sparty being Sparty, they are bound by their own traditions of losing to an inferior opponent.  This usually happens late in the year, however Dantonio gets an early start on it and let's Brian Kelly's blood pressure to come down slightly for a week.  The O/U on turnovers for this game is 5.  I'm taking the over.  Notre Dame 40 - Sparty 31

Non-Cheating Miami @ Minnesota - Minny's coach is apparently going to be on the sideline for this game after having a seizure last game.  Minny wins one for the Kill(er)!  Minny 27 - Miami OH 16

Huskies @ Huskers - Huskers were so close to officially being a Big Ten team last week by coming close to losing to an inferior out of conference opponent.  Alas, the Huskers were able to pull one out against Fresno State.  Unfortunately this week the Huskers finally get on board with that Big Ten tradition.  The Huskies get a win in Lincoln, 37 - 34.

Northwestern @ Army - Army had San Diego State at home last week, now Northwestern, how does Army get all these teams to come play in West Point?  Is it a recruiting ploy? Do they set up recruiting stations in the opposing teams locker rooms?  "A Northwestern degree is worth nothing in today's job market.  Come join the Army and see the world!"  Then again, that same pitch to San Diego State would be accurate.  Wildcats 37 - Knights 17.

Badgers @ Huskies - Wisconsin heads south, to Northern Illinois.  There is nothing remotely interesting about this game. Although the Badgers are in the Big Ten, so there is always the potential to blow it.  Badgers roll 45 - 10.

Arizona State @ Illinois - the Sun Devils leave the hot, dry confines of Tempe to meet up with the Zooker in Champagne.  The Sun Devils are so perpetually underachieving, they could play in the Big Ten.  And Zook loves losing games he shouldn't.  That makes this one a tough one to call.  ASU is ranked and should be favored, but Illinois is playing at home.  Since I'm watching the Illinois @ USC game circa 1989 on the BTN right now, I'll take the Fightin' Illini 33-30.   (I forgot how good Jeff George was in college.  I do remember he is the poster boy for having all the talent in the world, and being the biggest asshole at the same time.  Can you think of any other players that were so talented but couldn't get help but be such a dick that they sabotaged their own career?)

The Ineligi-BOWL!  - So.... TP spent his time getting ready for the draft by... paying current OSU players?  Seriously Cobra!!  What is up with OSU!?  It's like they can't help themselves!  Do we need an intervention?  Should the entire program go to a rehab center in Malibu for a few months?  Hey!  TP can pay for it!!  I also love that TP is appealing his suspension, after saying he wouldn't appeal so he could be eligible for the supplemental draft.  Talk about a kid that could give a shit about the rules.  He's learned absolutely nothing through this whole scandal.  Are there any Buckeye boosters doing time in federal prison willing to spill the beans?

Meanwhile, down in Miami, Golden is still trying to figure out what the hell hit him.  

The NCAA should save themselves time and money, and just declare that whichever team loses this game gets the death penalty.  So long 'Canes!  Buckeyes 24 - 13.

Top 25 Action:

#1 OU @ #5 FSU - The Game of the Week!!  Is FSU officially back after rebuilding from forcing out their legendary coach who was too old to do the job anymore (ahem... cough cough... penn state), or are the Sooners really the best team in the nation and looking to give the Big XII one final championship before disbanding?  This one should be a good one.  Florida State's home field advantage wills them to a win... 37 - 34 'Noles.

North Texas @ #2 'Bama - This one gets uglier than a botched nose job, boob job, and collagen injection all at once... 55 - 3 'Bama.  Roll Tide.

#3 LSU @ #25 Miss State - The Bulldogs lost a heart breaker last week.  Then again, why do you run the ball with 6 seconds left knowing you need a TD and the clock will run out if you get stopped short of the goal line?  Wouldn't it make sense to pass so you potentially get two plays?  And if the pass isn't there, they have a mobile QB who could run it anyways if the clock was running out.  Seems like a terrible play call.  After sticking to solid foods last week, the Mad Hatter will be chewing allot of grass this week.  Tigers 40 - Bulldogs 30

#4 Boise @ Toledo - Boise got hit hard with sanctions!  Amazing how the NCAA comes down hard on some programs, but not others.  And seriously Boise, cheating in women's tennis?  That's like cheating on an open book practice test.  At least have a former player that had to leave school b/c he received extra benefits pay your current players, or have your HC resign in disgrace b/c he tried to cover up his players cheating, or get a convicted felon to reveal every dirty little secret about your program.  Even Boise's cheating doesn't belong in an auto-bid BCS conference.  The Rockets are out of fuel after almost beating the Buckeyes last week.  Broncos 42 - Rockets 24.

#6 Stanford @ Arizona - The Heisman campaign continues for Andrew Luck, this time in the desert.  You think Luck is rooting for Peyton Manning to be out for the year so he at least has a shot at going to the Colts instead of a shit hole like Cincy or Buffalo?   Cardinal roll 34 - 13.

#8 Oklahoma State @ Tulsa - T. Boone likes the idea of OSU heading to the Pac 12, neigh, Pac 16!  And why not?  He'll get to compete head to head with Phil Knight to see how can give more money to their football teams!  Can we please name this annual matchup the Oil v. Sneakers Bowl?  Cowboys win big in Tulsa - 35 - 10.

Idaho @ #9 Texas A&M - how pissed do you think A&M is at Baylor right now?  I really wish these two schools played each other this week.  They could play for the rights of A&M to leave for the SEC.  The only better would be the Death Penalty Bowl between OSU & Miami.  A&M smacks the Vandals 47 - 13.

Navy @ #10 South Carolina - The Gamecocks made Mark Richt's seat extremely hot last week.  This week they sink the Midshipmen 45 - 7.

Mizzou State @ #12 Oregon - How many Mizzou State's are there?  You think Mizzou State proper looks down theirs noses at SW Mizzou State?  Do the dumb people go to directional Mizzou State?  Is it like being the tallest person at a midget convention?  Does Oregon notice there is another team on the field this week?  59 - 0 Ducks.

Ark State @ #13 Va Tech - Frank Beamer just signed an extension.  If he stays 20 more years in Blacksburg, he's approaching JoePa status.  I feel bad for the Hokies if that happens.  The Hokies score twice on special teams and roll 47 - 9.

Troy @ #15 Arkansas - The Razorbacks finally stop laughing from the phone call from the Big XII.  Troy is neither the Troy of Southern Cal, nor the 2nd best team in the state of Alabama.  They do put up some points though.  Razorbacks 45 - Trojans 31.

Tennessee @ #16 Florida - The Volunteers have been terrible since Phil Fulmer left, but the good news is Peyton Manning might be available for coaching positions soon.  Meanwhile, in the Swamp, Muschamp is busy trying to fill Meyer's shoes.  Do you think Florida fans are as delusional as Notre Dame fans?  I mean they've actually had some recent success, and play in a talent rich state, and their program has a good tradition, yet you never really hear them declare how they are BACK year after year.  Also, I hate Mark May.  Gators 37 - 24.

#18 Mountaineers @ Terrapins - Well, I guess ugly uniforms is one way to get some buzz around your program.  I wonder if Maryland is about to become Oregon East.  They have a sports gear benefactor donating tons of money and giving them their own duds whenever they want, a new coach that's had some success elsewhere, and play in a conference without a dominant program at the moment. 

Stephen F. Austin @ #19 Baylor - The Bears are desperately trying to stay relevant in college football and promote the Heisman Campaign of Robert Griffith III.  I wonder what Robert Griffith I & II did to want to carry on the name to the III?  Another Texas mismatch... Bears clobber whatever SFA is called 52 - 7, then prank call A&M pretending to be SEC Commissioner Silve.  

Florida A&M @ #20 South Florida - The Bulls are still riding high after their win in South Bend, and don't notice just how bad the Irish really are.  Luckily they get a cupcake this week.... mmmmm.... cupcakes.  Josh - you should bring the guys some Sprinkles cupcakes for the Purdue game.  They are seriously the best cupcakes you will ever have.  Bulls 46 - 3.

#21 Tigers @ Tigers - There are allot of Tigers in college football.  Rumor is Clemson may be joining the SEC too... though another program that disappoints on a yearly basis is not what the SEC needs.  Auburn has been getting by on luck and.... well actually just luck.  Their luck runs out this week though.  Clemson takes it to them 31 - 21.

LA-Monroe @ #23 TCU - Well I wrong about TCU last week, so I'm picking them to win this week.  And their D shows up.  36 - 0 TCU.

Games of Note:

The Battle of the Book of Mormon - Utah @ BYU - The Utes and Cougars almost pulled off dual upsets last week.  This week, the Cougars get the win, the students celebrate by confiscating booze & not lighting anything on fire.  Cougars 37-24

Upset of the week:

I don't know... let's go with Coastal Carolina over Georgia....

Week 1 Predictions

Less than 24 hours until the Sycamores are cut down in Happy Valley!!

Anyone watching TCU v. Baylor tonight?  Baylor is taking it to them.  The Bears are up 34-23 with 2 mins left in the first half.  I guess TCU won't be as good as they were last year.  And TCU just got THE most generous spot on a 4th & 1 in Baylor territory.  And that spot just go overturned on review.... replay does work.

My Week 1 Predictions: 

Big Ten Action:

Michigan  v. Directional Michigan - Denard Robinson doesn't bother to even put shoe laces in and runs all over the Broncos. 43-31 Wolvernines. 

PSU v. Larry Bird University - Larry can't help the Sycamores.  PSU 38-13

Sparty v. Jim Tressell 1-AA - Sparty struggling in the first half, but will pull a full on Sparty in the second half and win this one 24-17

Tattooeyes v. Zips - OSU takes out their frustration (of losing their paychecks) on their little in state cousins... OSU 56-13

Northwestern v. BC - this may be the most entertaining game of the week.  Dan Persa is the real deal.  Wildcats 27 - Golden Eagles 24

TN Tech v. Iowa - Ferentz starts the annual Iowa hype machine by putting a whoopin on TN Tech, to be followed by a victory over PSU then a late season fade as usual for the Hawkeyes.  41 - 7 Hawkeyes.

Minny Golden Gophers v. USC Trojans - The Gophers show just how far Troy has fallen, but still can't pull it out ... Trojans 20 - Gophers 17

Mid Tennessee v. Purdue - Mid Tennessee... nominated for worst school nickname.  Boilermakers 27 - Blue Raiders  20

Ark State v. Illinois - Illinois starts off... mediocre as usual ... Fighting Illini 24 - Ark State 10

David Letterman U v. Bobby Knight U - Hoosiers start off big at home... 37 - 13

Top 25 Action:

Ducks v. Tigers - Chip Kelly reviews LSU game tapes he purchased from Nick Saban circa 2002, The Mad Hatter eats grass, and his players kick the Ducks in the head while they are down (this time on the field instead of outside a bar)....  Tigers 30 - Ducks 28

Broncos v. Bulldogs - Boise does what the Big Ten struggles mightily to do, beating an SEC team.  Boise 41 - Dawgs 31

Skip Holtz U v. Lou Holtz U - Brian Kelly unleashes his O and lights up the Bulls (are there any Bulls in Florida?  Can we do a list of the worst nicknames in college this year?)  Irish 48 - Bulls 28

Roll Tide v. Kent - 'Bama warms up with a sacrificial lamb before taking on a much much older sacrificial lamb next week... 38-0 'Bama

Utah State v. Auburn - we get to see just how much Auburn lost when Cam Newton took his paychecks to the NFL.  Auburn 21 - Aggies 14

Non-Sanctioned Miami v. Mizzou - Mizzou makes the Miami of Ohio wish they at least had a beach like their southern brothers of the same name.  Mizzou 30 - Miami-OH 17

App State v. Va Tech - Hokies start their early season fade... and get Michigan off the hook.  App State 27 - Tech 24

LA-Monroe v. Florida State - This isn't your Daddy's LA-Monroe.... it's more like your Great Uncle's former roommates...  'Noles 45 - Monroes 10

Chattanooga v. Nebraska - Huskers unleash the children of the corn.... 49 - 7 Huskers.

San Jose State v. Stanford - Andrew Luck kicks off his Heisman campaign by dominated the Spartans West - Andrew Luck 37 - Sparty West 7

LA-Lafayette v. OK State - Brandon Wheedon & Justion Blackmon kick off their Heisman campaigns by dominated the RAGIN!!! Cajuns.... 41-13 Cowboys

East Carolina v. South Carolina - Tx Tech East makes a game of it.... Marcus Lattimore kicks off his Heisman campaign a year early.  Gamecocks 31 - Pirates 28

Mizzou State v. Arkansas - The Razorbacks get through their scrimmage without any injuries.... Arkansas 45-17

Florida Atlantic v. Florida - What's with bad school nicknames in Florida?  The Owls are Gator food... 20 - 3

Tulsa v. Sooners - Tulsa's starting QB is academically ineligible.... Sooners offer their 3rd string QB just so their D can get some good reps.  Sooners 52 - Golden Hurricane 3 (Seriously... Golden Hurricane in Oklahoma?  Am I missing something or is that just awful?)

Marshall v. WVU - this was a close one last year.  Holgorsen kicks off his HC debut with a win over a hated rival... celebrates by getting loaded and kicked out of a casino.  Mountaineers 37 - Thundering Herd 17

SMU v. Texas A&M - A&M looking forward to joining the SEC and becoming completely irrelevant in Texas... SMU wishing they could join the SEC and show them what it means to really cheat in college football.   Mustangs 34 - Aggies 31

Games of Note:

Cheating Miami v. Maryland - Randy Edsall kicks his new gig off with a win... Al Golden can't believe he would have an easier time winning at Temple.  Terps 20 - Non-Golden Hurricanes 14

Upset of the week!!

Buffalo v. Pitt - just b/c I want to see Mark May's head explode a week before he gloats over 'Bama destroying Penn State

The Obvious upset of the week:

Richmond v. Duke - because this isn't basketball season