Week 4 Predictions

Week 4, FOUR!, is already upon us.  Why does football season have to go so fast? 

Conference realignment is in full swing. The Big East is pulling a Houdini, the Big XII is trying to hang on for dear life like Joe Paterno, and the Big Ten is standing pat, never letting anyone outside the family know what they're thinking, waiting for things to reveal themselves like Vito Corleone.  In fact, if I had to break down the conferences in terms of The Godfather, it'd go like this:

Big Ten = Michael Corleone.  A league with great respect from the old school that knows how things are done.  The Big Ten also likes money, lots of it, and his it's own family, er, network.

ACC = Sonny Corleone - the ACC is on fire, already adding two teams in a matter of days, ready to add UConn and possibly Rutgers, jumping at any team that makes them an offer they can't refuse.  And like Sonny, they will killed when one of their own sells them out for the SEC... or they'll get gunned down on the NJ Turnpike on their way to Rutgers.  

Big XII = Tom Hagen.  A valuable asset to the family, but when the next generation takes over, they are out.  Sorry Big XII, you're out.  That's just he way it is. 

Pac 12 = Jack Woltz.  A league in their position cannot be made to look RIDICULOUS!!  (and then they wake up with the horse head of Colorado in their conference)

Big East = Fredo Corleone, like Fredo, they are weak and stupid.  Nobody will touch them until all the original members of the Big East are gone, at which point they'll be taken on a fishing trip and... well... WVU fans can fondly remember when they had an auto bid to the BCS.  Or they can be Luca Brasi, either one is appropriate.  

SEC = Sollozzo.  We think too much of them, they don't have that kind of power (as they attempt to assassinate the Big XII, ACC, and/or Big East.)  They also have very powerful police, er ESPN, on their payroll to protect them. 

Texas = Barzini.  Eventually we find out it was Texas (that caused all this realignment) all along.

Oklahoma = Sal Tessio.  After all these years, they are the one's that go against the Big XII family.  

Notre Dame = Kay Adams-Corleone.  Michael (the Big Ten) once loved her, but then she became a jealous, psychotic bitch that asked about his business one too many times and was subsequently frozen out of all the families.  Sure, she can visit with the kids, but no one wants her around and nobody will speak to her.  

Now... the Klembecki Re-Alginment Plan! (aka KRAP).  My KRAP is modeled after the European soccer alignment.  We have 4 superconferences of 14-16 teams.  The worst teams in those conferences are relegated to the WAC, MAC, Sun Belt, or Mountain West every year, while the best schools in those conferences are bumped up to the auto bid conferences.  How great would this be?  Not only are teams at the top fighting for championships, but teams at the bottom are fighting for money and prestige!  In the meantime, Penn State is mired in mediocrity neither good enough to win their league, nor horrible enough to be relegated.  Well, maybe they do have a shot at relegation.  That is my KRAP. 

On to the Week 4 Predictions.... 

Big Ten Action:

Coyotes @ #6 Badgers - the Badgers having been absolutely crushing everyone they've played.  No reason to think it changes this week.  56 - 7 Badgers.

#9 Nebraska @ Wyoming - the Huskers take their corn to Marlboro Country for a meeting in Laramie.  The Huskers Offense has been on fire, but their D has not.  Look for this one to be a shootout.  50 - 35 Huskers.

Aztecs @ #22 Wolverines - Welcome back to the rankings Wolverines!!!  Hoke's old squad visits his new one.  Seriously, which team has more talent on Defense right now?  And by the way, the Aztecs are undefeated.  Can we just assume every game Michigan plays this year will be a shootout?  The Wolverines come out flat after last week's incredible last second come back,  but send the Aztecs back to SoCal with a loss.... 47 - 37.  

Directional Michigan @ #24 Illinois - the Zooker makes the rankings!  Western Mich will keep this close for a half, because that's what Zook does, plays down to his competition.  29 - 24 Illini. 

Directional Michigan @ Penn State - PSU set offenses back 25 years last week, so JoePa actually that it was a great game and his offense was exactly what he wanted.  If there is an offensive coordinator in all of college football that does less with more talented players than JayPa then please alert me.  We have ZERO passing TD's this season.  ZERO. This game will be close just b/c PSU can't score, and we'll fall behind early and have to come from behind late.  Just like JoePa plans it.  17-14 PSU.

Directional Michigan @ Sparty - Oh Sparty!  Will you never cease to fail to live up to your own hype?  Sparty was just what the Irish ordered last week.  A ranked opponent who was not nearly as good as advertised.  The question is, can Sparty continue to be Sparty, or will they actually win this week?  I say they pull this one out.  35-30.

LA-Monroe @ Iowa - The Hawkeyes STUNNED Mark May last week.  Mark's head was almost going to explode.  He ALMOST had his lead story of PSU losing to Temple and Pitt beating Iowa, but alas, the football gods do not smile on Pitt.  Not now, not in the ACC, not ever.  Good thing Pitt cares about basketball too.  Iowa wins this one easy.  37-17.

Buffaloes @ Buckeyes - Hineygate was in full meltdown mode last week after getting battered by Hurricane Golden!  (So much better than Golden Hurricanes!)  Fickell's seat is getting a little toasty.  Perhaps the motivation for the Buckeyes was in all of their bank accounts?  By the way, when I was in Cape Cod this summer I saw a guy with a Buckeyes tattoo on his calf.  I got a pic of it and put it up on Facebook, and if I didn't have my 3 month old niece with me, and he didn't have his small child with him, I would have asked him if he got the tattoo for free. The Buffs haven't had a good team since Kordell Stewart was throwing hail mary's.  Buckeyes 29 -Buffs 10.

ND State @ Golden Gophers - The Gophers can't possible screw this one up can they?  Minny wins one for the Kill(er)!  28-17.

Hoosiers @ North Texas - Man this game is ugly even on paper.  Hoosiers 34 - N Texas 21. 

Top 25 Action:

Mizzou @ #1 Oklahoma -  The Sooners won a big one last week.  Their D and explosive offense were on display all night.  Mizzou has been flirting with the SEC, much to the dismay of Mr. Trusty.  The Tigers SCORED last week when they 69'd Western Illinois 69-0.  It was not pretty nor anything fit for adolescent college football fans.  In fact, it was offensive.  But, the Tigers did not allow any points either, so it was also Defensive!  (sorry, seriously. Sorry for that one, it was terrible.)  Anyway... The Sooners will not give up 69 this week, nor will they score that many.  After a minor let down int he first half, the Sooners put this one away in the second half 35-24.

#14 Razorbacks @ #2a Crimson Tide - The Razorbacks played the Tide tough last year, but this years Tide team may be even better, especially on the defensive side of the ball.  The Tide have not played a tough game yet (and no, sadly Penn State is no longer a tough game for top teams.  Penn State consistently loses big games, it's been like that for a while now).  This is the Tide's first real test.  Meanwhile, the Razorbacks have been trying to earn street cred by beating up 12 year olds.  They beat Troy (Sun Belt), FCS Mizzou State, and one of the worst programs in FBS New Mexico.  So which team is for real?  Roll Tide  24 - 17. 

#2b LSU @ #16 West Virgina Mountaineers - The Mad Hatter visits West Virginia, aka "The Burning Couch State".  The grass is sure to taste great in Morgantown.  Why has no one fertilized the LSU sideline when they play away games?  How great would that be, knowing the Miles is literally eating shit as he attempts a fake punt flea flicker from his own 10 yard line?  I can't believe no one in the SEC has done this yet.  WVU comes out strong, but like their namesake Fredo, in the end, they get taken out.  LSU 20 - WVU 17.

Tulsa @ #4 Boise State - Boise faces another tough test... ok, just kidding.  The Broncos get on the Smurf Turf to face one of the worst nicknames in college football, the Golden Hurricane.  Ugh.  Sounds like a team R Kelly would root for.  The Broncos take care of business 48 - 17.

#5 Stanford - Bye Week. Andrew Luck chills out, trying to find a good place to put his Heisman Trophy.

#7 Fighting T. Boones @ #8 Aggies - the Battle of the League Jumpers!  The Aggies are already gone, the Cowboys will do whatever T. Boone and the Sooners tell them they're doing. In College Station, the A&M wants to prove they're SEC worthy by leaving the Big XII with a championship.  OK State comes in with a high powered offense behind QB Weedon & WR Blackmon.  The Aggies have only allowed 21 points all season, the Cowboys have not scored less than 37 in any game.  Aggies 30 - Cowboys 28

Sidenote, I am watching the ABC Nightly News, they're doing a story about bullying, and the reporter in studio is Josh Elliot... from Sportscenter.  Is he pulling a Craig Kilborne/Keith Olberman and branching out into non-sports news?  How has that worked for them?  And why can't Hannah Storm do the same.  Seriously, we need more Hannah Storm.

#10 Oregon @ Arizona - Poor Mike Stoops.  He may not even be the best Stoops in the Pac-X if Oklahoma joins and just can't get over the hump in the desert.  The Ducks fan base is not happy unless their team puts up 50 points every game.  Look for a melt down on the Ducks board this week after a closer than expected win...  34 - 27 Ducks.

# 11 Seminoles @ # 21 Clemson - both teams are coming off huge games.  The Tigers took down the Tigers in Death Valley, while FSU fell to the Sooners in Tallahassee.  Clemson is just below Notre Dame in the rankings of teams that perpetually under perform expectations.  The Seminoles have disappointed ever since Bowden started listening to JoePa on how to play offense.  FSU will continue the Clemson tradition of "oohhh... almost".  24 - 13 Noles.

Vandy @ #12 Gamecocks - The UNDEFEATED Commodores bring their text books to Columbia for an SEC battle.  The Ole Ball Coach barely beat Navy last week, while Vandy whooped up on Ole Miss.  This week the tables turn... USC East 34 - Vandy 17.

#13 Va Tech @ Marshall - WE ARE!  (marshall).  Why can't all schools have a dept store chain named after them?  Virginia Polytechnic has no problems in West Virginia 49 - 7.

#15 Gators @ Kentucky - The Wildcats, and SEC team, lost the Battle of the Bluegrass state to, GASP!, Big East member Louisville last week!  Score one for the Big Least.  If this were basketball, that'd be a huge upset. But much like when a tree falls in the woods, nobody cares.  The Gators chomp the Wildcats this week 35 - 14.

Rice (mmm... rice) @ #16 Baylor - Robert Griffith III continues his Heisman campaign, and Baylor threatens to sue if it's not awarded to him.  Has anyone proposed the Lonestar Conference yet?  It could be Texas, Rice, Baylor, UTEP, U of Houston, TX Tech, SMU, and TCU.  They can rename the Longhorn Network the Lonestar Network, and Texas could still be first among equals in such a conference, and it would remind people of the Big 8.  This way everyone in Texas would subscribe to the network, and no one outside of Texas would be subjected to the inflated ego's of the Texas schools.  This is a win-win... and a win for Baylor too  47 - 13.

UTEP @ #18 Bulls - Do you think every time UTEP plays an away game, the players think, "Wow, this place is so nice, I wish I went to school here instead of El Paso. Man, even if we win this game, I still have to go back to El Paso."  And then they get depressed and lose the game?  South Florida 31 - 17.

# 19 Texas - bye week.  The LHN has no programming this week, instead it's showing infomercials for the Flobee.  Call your cable company and DEMAND the LHN!! 

Portland State @ #20 TCU - How pissed are you if you're TCU?  You used to be in the Southwest Conference with the big boys, then spent years trying to get back to respectability, only to be shut out by the BCS.  Then after finally cracking the BCS, you join a BCS Auto-Bid conference, and that conference is now on the brink of dissolving.  The Horned Frogs just can't catch a break.  I suggest they join the Lonestar Conference.  TCU enjoys their scrimmage - 49 - 13.

#23 Trojans @ Sun Devils - ASU lost a close on to the Zooker last week, while the Trojans continue to defy their sanctions, starting 3-0.  How happy are the Trojans that all the heat is now being directed to OSU, Miami, Oregon and Boise?  Lane is now free to break as many rules as he can without the NCAA noticing.  This is my upset pick.  Sun Devils 34 - 30.

Tar Heels @ #25 Yellow Jackets - This isn't your father's ACC!  Is what they'll be saying with the additions of Pitt and 'Cuse next year!  Seriously, can you imagine how pissed the current Big Ten would be if we added Pitt & 'Cuse?  But the ACC is thrilled.  That is why the ACC is Sonny Corleone, they get too emotional, it's just business.  Heels 30 - Jackets 28.  

Games of Note:

Irish @ Pitt - I wish both teams could lose this game, but my hatred of the Irish is superior to my hatred of Pitt.  Although my hatred of Mark May is almost as much as my hatred of Notre Dame.  I can only that both teams play as embarrassingly as PSU played last week. I can't wait to read the meltdown on the Irish boards if they lose this game.  Pitt 28-27. 

Upset of the week:

Temple @ Maryland - The Terrapins are unveiling yet another ugly uniform!  I'll bet kids are begging for a Maryland offer now that they wear different uniforms every game!  I just hope Temple validates PSU this week by beating Maryland.  24 - 21 Owls.