Top 25 Action
Hilltoppers @ #1 'Bama - They say, you're never as good as you think when you win, or as bad as you think when you lose. The latter may be true, but it seems 'Bama is putting the former to the test. The Tide dominated the Wolverines last week in Dallas. They were up 31-7 at the half and were never threatened in the second half. Freshman RB TJ Yeldon only carried 10 times, but had 111 yards. 'Bama's RB position appears to be an annual Heisman contender no matter who they put back there. The Hilltoppers won 49-10 against Austin Peay last week. Austin Peay may have the hardest schedule in football this year, as they take on Va Tech in Blacksburg this week. Look for 'Bama to flip the script against the 'Toppers this week. 'Bama gets an easy win before a top ten match up against Arkansas next week. 49-10 'Bama.
#2 USC v. 'Cuse - The Men of Troy spanked the Warriors last week as WR Marquise Lee & QB Matt Barkley kicked off their Heisman campaigns. This game will be played at Giants Stadium, possibly because the Coliseum is being used to film another porno. No seriously, the Coliseum was used to film a porno. This USC Sex Scandal, #USCSexScandal, is huge, and clearly within the purview of the NCAA since it has nothing to do with football. Obviously USC has a culture that promotes pornography over academics, right Mr. Emmert? As such, there are now more allegations involving former USC RB Joe McKnight that the NCAA is looking into. It seems with all the built in advantages USC has to recruit, they STILL need give kids extra benefits just to play there. 'Cuse lost a tough game to a Big Ten team. Losing to a Big Ten team is starting to get embarrassing. 'Cuse is at least competitive now, which is a hell of a lot better than being a Big East doormat. But still, when Rutgers is favored to win your league... 52 - 13 Trojans.
Huskies @ #3 LSU - The Tigers fought off hurricane Irene and North Texas last week for a 41-14 win. Save for an 80 yd TD pass, LSU's defense was absolutely stifling. The Mean Green looked like they were playing on Friday night, while LSU's D looked like it should've been playing on Sunday. The Tigers ground game pounded the rock all day while their passing game leaves something to be desired. The Huskies started off with a 21-12 victory over the Aztecs. Who was the better college RB, Marshall Faulk for the Aztecs or Napoleon Kaufman for the Huskies? 31 - 10 LSU.
Bulldogs @ #4 Ducks - Fresno State handled Weber State easily last week 37-10. The Ducks unveiled possibly their 1,000th different uniform variation against Arkansas State. The Ducks were so pumped about their new Uni's they forgot to play any defense. Fortunately Chip Kelly and the Ducks offense wouldn't even have trouble scoring in a convent should that situation ever arise. 63-13 Ducks.
Florida A&M @ #5 Sooners - Scandal has ROCKED Florida A&M. In the wake of the hazing death of a marching band drum major last year, A&M has suspended the school dance troupe after more hazing this year. Clearly A&M has a culture of hazing over academics. No word yet on what the team will do to replace the entertainment the dance troupe provided during timeouts. I suggest a man and a chair.
Like most people that are forced to go there, the Sooners did not enjoy their trip to West Texas. The Sooner offense, with potential first round QB Landry Jones, struggled against the Miners but still came away with a 24-7 win. This week should be a bit easier. 37 - 10 Sooners.
Savannah State @ #6 FSU - Savannah State is challenging Austin Peay for hardest schedule in football. After playing the role of home intruder to Okie State's LL Cool J, Savannah crawls to Tallahassee for another ass whooping. This is the college football version of being Mike Tyson's sparring partner. FSU is playing it's second cupcake in a row after beating up on Murray State last week. I get playing one FCS school to fill out your schedule, but two? I guess Jimbo Fisher hit this button when scheduling for FSU.
#7 Bulldogs @ Mizzou - After opening with a gimme, Mizzou welcomes the 'Dawgs to Columbia in their first game as a member of the SEC. SEC! SEC! SEC! Anyone else find it incredibly weird they cheer the name of their conference? It's akin to cheering the name of your religion on Sundays... LET'S GO MORMONS!!! ... WE ARE!!! CATHOLICS!!! ... WHEN I SAY JEW... YOU SAY ISH!! JEW - ISH!! JEW - ISH!!! ... FIGHT ON BAPTISTS!!! ... And much like the Jehovah Witnesses, SEC fans aren't afraid to tell you how great they are. It's like a cult with 12 different sects. Speaking of cults, were you aware that Tom Cruise was the next Bachelor? The Bulldogs are coming off an uninspiring performance against Buffalo. Is the Devil down in Georgia making Mark Richt's seat a little toasty already? Mizzou 27 - Georgia 23.
#8 Razorbacks @ LA-Monroe - The Razorbacks opened with a cupcake. There are tons of cupcakes to open this college football season. Perhaps it's time for a college football pre-season? Or some actual cupcakes. I recommend Sprinkles Cupcakes. If you're in a city that has a Sprinkles, lucky you. Feel free to send me some. I like the peanut butter chip. LA - Monroe opens with Arkansas and Auburn back to back. LA-Monroe definitely does not like cupcakes. 45 - 17 Hogs.
Pirates @ #9 'Cocks - The 'Ole Ball Coach narrowly escaped the Commodores last week 17-13. Starting QB Connor Shaw injured his shoulder in the game but toughed it out. Star RB Marcus Lattimore came back strong from injury with 110 yards and 2 TD's. The Pirates run a Mike Leach spread offense and love throwing the ball like Lindsay Lohan loves stealing jewelry. Can the Gamecocks offense put up enough points to outgun the Pirates? 30 - 27 South Carolina.
#11 Sparty @ Chippewas - Sparty held off a tough Boise State squad in East Lansing last week for a 17-13 win. Le'Veon Bell threw his hat into the Heisman ring with 210 yards rushing against the Broncos. The Chippewas can look back fondly on the days of Brian Kelly & Dan Lefevour. 37 - 13 Sparty.
Ball State @ #12 Clemson - Clemson opened with a win over Auburn last week. Smart move by Dabo Swinney scheduling some tough games early in the season for the Tigers since Clemson is the marquee program for late season collapses. The Tigers have two cupcakes against David Letterman U & Furman before a match up against the 'Noles, who also play nobody early. 52 - 3 Clemson
#13 Badgers @ Beavers - Badgers HC Brett Beliema refused to send game tape to Oregon State, probably because it'd be like watching a Kathy Bates sex tape. That's how nasty the Badgers 26-21 win over Northern Iowa was last week. Could the Badgers really be that bad or are they just starting slow? The Beavers, a member for the Pac 2 & 10 others, open the season at home after their first scrimmage, er game, against Nicholls State was postponed. No word on when Nicholls State has rescheduled their ass whooping. Badgers 23 - Beavers 17.
UCF @ #14 Buckeyes - The Knights make their second consecutive trip to Ohio this week. After throttling Akron like the Hulk throttled Loki, the Knights take on demi-god Urban Meyer and his Buckeye minions. Buckeye dual threat RB Braxton Miller went for 161 yards and actually threw the ball effectively against Miami(OH). I can't wait for Braxton's impassioned speech to the media and fans after OSU loses a home game to an inferior conference opponent, and said speech is so moving, it is put up on the entrance to the football facility for all that follow to realize just how insignificant they are compared to Braxton. He'll then develop a cult following, and despite a lack of actual skill at his position, get drafted in the first round. Next he'll spend a few years trying to prove he can be an effective QB before being traded to a team in total disarray when a HOF QB takes his job. He will then be a backup to another high profile QB that is more interested in dating the former Mrs. Tony Parker than winning a Super Bowl. Oh, and the Buckeyes will win 37 - 10.
Austin Peay @ #15 Va Tech - The Hokies eked out an OT win against GA Tech last week. Star QB Logan Thomas didn't have his best game and the Yellow Jackets gave the Hokies all they could handle. As for the Jackets vaunted option offense, they were held to under 200 yards rushing. It's safe to say the Hokies run D is pretty good. They'll have an easier time this week. 45 - 0 Hokies.
#16 'Huskers @ UCLA - Huskers QB Taylor Martinez lit up Southern Miss to the tune of 354 yards and 5 TD's through the air last week in a 49-20 win. Meanwhile the Bruins opened the Jim Mora Jr. era with a 49-24 stomping of Rice. Bruins RB Johnathan Franklin led the way with 214 yards and 3 TD's on only 15 carries. T-Mart continues his early season success against an improved Bruins squad in the Rose Bowl this week. 31-21 Cornhuskers.
New Mexico @ #17 Longhorns - In a stat Navy would be proud of, the Lobos racked up 347 yards on the ground last week and only 70 through the air. Like fans of Tosh.O, 'Horns fans had to sit through a lot of crap before something good happened in the 37-17 win against Wyoming. QB David Ash was an efficient 20-27 for 156 yards. As long as the ground game is in order again, the 'Horns should have no problems with the Lobos. 42 - 6 Longhorns.
#18 Cowboys @ Wildcats - T. Boone U dropped a video game like 84 points on Savannah last week. If you play NCAA 13 on freshman mode you'd still have trouble scoring 84 points. You have to wonder if games like this should even count. Sure, the visiting team gets paid for their time and effort of getting their asses whooped, but does it really help the sport? How do you think the kids on Savannah State feel after getting pummelled and not receiving any of the money for it? I guess what I'm saying is, watching all these early season cupcakes is as painful as watching the next season of American Idol with Mariah, Nicki & Keith Urban. Ugh. RichRod's debut in the desert was almost spoiled by his pathological hatred of playing defense. This game may reach 100 points combined. 63-45 Cowboys.
I'm proposing a reality show based on the exact opposite of American Idol. Instead of searching for talent, my show will find people with absolutely not talent whatsoever, and the celebrities will have to turn their respective person or group of talentless ass clowns into something resembling talent. C'mon, you know this happens all the time in Hollywood. How else do we explain boy bands, Kristen Stewart, & the awful pilots the networks green light every year. If I can get some hot contestants and pay some celebrity "mentors" to host, this show will be a hit.
Or they can just bring back Remote Control. That show was awesome.
Air Force @ #19 Michigan - Michigan brought a knife to a gun fight, or more appropriately, brought a college team to an NFL game last week. The Wolverines must get credit for scheduling what may be their toughest game of the year on week 1 an in a neutral location. Denard Robinson did not look like a Heisman candidate, but his game has never been sitting in the pocket and scanning the field. He's an athlete, and making him sit in the pocket took away his most lethal weapon. Don't look for Hoke to make the same mistake twice. The Falcons handled Idaho State easily in their 49-21 win. D-Rob gets on track this week. 49 - 17 Wolverines.
Grambling State @ #20 TCU - Has the NCAA sanctioned TCU for the drug ring involving players? After all it is a criminal investigation that involves football off the field, which is the bread and butter of the NCAA. Another opening game, another cream puff game. Snooze. Speaking of snooze, why are wake up calls limited to hotels only? Is it that people don't want wake up calls in their homes or is it that no such service exists? I'm seeing a business opportunity. Hell, if all these campaigns can do the incessant robo calls, why can't we put that technology to good use so we wake up on time? Frogs 57 - 3.
Hurricanes @ #21 K-State - K-State lit it up Gangnam Style! v. Mizzou State last week to the tune of 51-9. Meanwhile in Coral Gables, the 'Canes are embroiled in their own scandal, but they learned from Penn State. Don't hire some political hack and pay him $6.5 Million to bury your University by "investigating" and issuing a report full of conjecture and opinion. Smart move 'Canes! The 'Canes are coming off a 41-32 win against Boston College and look to start 2-0! 33 - 27 Miami(FL).
Purdue @ #22 Notre Dame - Navy was Notre Dame's Perfect Bitch last week in the Land of Drunken Gingers. If Kim is the perfect bitch, where does that leave Paris Hilton? The Boilermakers had their cupcake last week and it was delicious! 48-6 over Directional Kentucky. The Boilers role into South Bend with QB Robert Mavre finally healthy and playing well. Meanwhile it was the Irish ground game that led the way against the Midshipmen. How red will Brian Kelly's face get this week? 24 - 21 Irish.
Mizzou State @ #23 Louisville - Seriously Louisville, if you're not going to attempt to play someone other than a patsy, I'm not going to attempt to write anything. 49 - 0 Cardinals.
#24 Gators @ Aggies -The Gators head to College Station to welcome the Aggies to the SEC. Are Aggies fans aware they should be chanting for their new conference instead of their school? A&M is happy to be out of the shadow of the 'Horns, but now it's put up or shut up time. Will they make some noise in the SEC, or just open up the Texas recruiting base for the rest of their league? In the battle of "Urban Meyer Used to Coach Here!", Florida came away with an uninspiring win v. Bowling Green last week, 27-14. The Gator offense has been in dire straits since the Apostle Tebow took his talents to The League. I see the Gators pulling off the mild upset this week, 24 - 17.
Duke @ #25 Stanford - The Nerd Bowl! Which is the only Bowl Duke will be making this year. How do the Dukies feel about their arch rivals creating no-show classes and the NCAA taking a pass on doing anything about it? I think the NCAA has set an obvious precedent, no-show classes are perfectly OK with the NCAA as long as non-athletes can take them too. #culture. The Cardinal had an auspicious opening to the post-Luck era, escaping a plucky San Jose State squad 20-17. Was it opening game jitters or a sign of things to come for Stanford? 27 - 17 Cardinal.
Games of Interest
Pitt @ Cincy - Pitt. HA! I called their loss to FCS opponent Youngstown State last week. Pitt is so irrelevant they could literally pay their recruits to come play there and the NCAA would laugh and thank them for their efforts on trying to become relevant. Butch Jones and the Bearcats open with a 35-13 win.
PSU @ Virginia - It was an ugly game in Happy Valley last week. The Nittany Lions came out strong holding a 14-3 halftime lead before giving up 21 unanswered to MAC Champs Ohio in the second half. Their D was continuously shredded, giving up 11/12 3rd down conversions in the half. The lack of defensive adjustments was apparent to everyone except DC Ted Roof. On offense, watching QB Matt McGloin is like watching any movie with Shia Lebouf. You hope he doesn't screw it up too much that his supporting cast can't bail him out. R.I.P. Indiana Jones. In this case, McGloin missed several wide open receivers literally standing alone deep down field. With a lack of a running game and the Ohio D squatting on the short routes, the offense went nowhere after half time. The Cavaliers & Mike London opened with a shellacking of FCS opponent Richmond, 43-19. This game should be a bit closer. 27-24 Cavaliers.
Terrapins @ Owls - Could it be that Temple has the best football team in PA this year? It's a sad but true possibility. Temple plays Pitt and Penn State this year so I guess we'll find out. But can you really be a serious program when your biggest rival is an FCS school in the 'burbs? The Owls destroyed 'Nova last week 41-10. On the flip side, Maryland eked out a 7-6 win against FCS William & Mary. Perhaps the Terrapins need some Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle power? Speaking of Ninjas, how is it that no major schools have a Ninja as their mascot? With so many awful school mascots, I'm at a loss as to how this injustice has occurred. Owls 20 - 3.
Howard @ Rutgers - How appropriate is it that this woman was voted NJ Teacher of the Year? 45 - 0 Rutgers.
Upset of the Week
Utah State over Utah - The Utes handled Northern Colorado easily 41-0, and the Aggies crushed Southern Utah 34-2. I see the Aggies pulling off the in state upset this week, 37 - 34.
No comments:
Post a Comment